Ghosting, Breadcrumbing and How to Cope
What is "ghosting"?
Ghosting in relationships is when someone vanishes like a ghost, abruptly ending communication with another person without any explanation. It may include no longer responding to someone's calls or text messages, cutting off social media contact, or other forms of contact. If you've made repeated efforts to stay in touch with someone and they suddenly stop responding, it's likely you've been ghosted. Although most ghosting happens abruptly, 'soft ghosting' refers to a gradual reduction in communication.
What is breadcrumbing?
Breadcrumbing is a manipulative strategy used to string someone along by offering small amounts of sporadic interest. Someone who breadcrumbs pretends they are interested in pursuing you by sending an occasional text, phone call, liking your latest post, or making vague plans, but they don’t have any genuine interest in developing a relationship.
How do you know if you’ve been ghosted? What are the signs?
Ghosting can play out as a slow burn or happen abruptly. Some of the red flags that you might be ghosted soon are when the other person begins responding to your messages with briefer replies, unfollows you on social media, or cancels plans without a good reason. The person might be engaging less in conversations or take longer and longer to get back to you. You know you’ve been completely ghosted when all contact has stopped.
What are some tips for how to cope with being ghosted?
When you've been ghosted, it's easy to take it personally and become self-critical. It's crucial to remember, however, the ghosting behavior reflects the emotionally immature actions of the ghoster. It's not about you.
The first step is to offer yourself some self-compassion - it's painful to be rejected abruptly and it makes sense to feel confused, upset, angry or disappointed. You can give yourself the same warmth and understanding you would offer your best friend.
While someone ghosting you is not within your control, choosing how you want to respond is within your control. You get to decide if you want to send a message or not. If you do choose to reach out, I suggest getting clear on your intention while managing your expectations. People who ghost are typically emotionally immature, and as such, tend to not take responsibility for their actions nor apologize. As for your intention, it can be helpful to think about what needs you are meeting for yourself. If you have a need to be heard or understood, it can feel good to communicate the impact the ghosting had on you. If you have a need to be honest and authentic, sharing your feelings and what you wish had happened can be a powerful move. If you're confused and needing clarity, asking for an explanation is justified. When we set empowered boundaries and speak up in protection of our important needs, we maintain our self-respect and self-worth.
What to do instead of ghosting?
When you’re no longer interested in someone, it’s important to be brave, lean into the discomfort, and speak up. All humans deserve respect, dignity, and consideration. There is no easy way to end things with someone, so choose the hard that develops your integrity. There are many helpful phrases you can use instead that communicate your waning interest while maintaining respect for the other person. If the connection has waned, you can say, “ I don’t think our connection is as strong as I felt at first. I’m grateful our paths crossed.” Or, if you’ve found someone else you want to date, you can say, “As much as I enjoyed getting to know you, I’ve found someone else and it’s becoming more serious. I wish you the best in your life.”