Overcoming Doubt in a Relationship

Is it normal to have doubts in a relationship? What are some of the most common doubts in relationships?

Relationships are hard. It’s normal to have doubts about your partner and your relationship at times. Feeling a little uncertain can be a good thing. It shows you value thinking critically about your issues and relationship compatibility and satisfaction is important to you. 

Doubt is a natural response to change, especially when you’re on the verge of a new level of commitment, like moving in together or getting engaged. Feeling hesitant can motivate you to evaluate and prepare well for new challenges in the future. This can lead to personal growth and even fortify the relationship. 

When you’re experiencing uncertainty, some of the most common questions you may be asking yourself include: 

 “Is this the right person for me?”

 “If I leave, will I regret it later?”

“If I stay, will I miss out on a better relationship?” 

You may also find yourself contemplating how compatible you are, if your future plans align, or if enough of your core values are shared. Questioning sexual chemistry and attraction, loyalty, and communication differences are also common themes. 

What are some ways to overcome doubt in a relationship?

1. Look for patterns: Consider whether your doubt is specific to the specific dynamics in your current relationship or is it a recurring pattern that’s shown up in most – or all – of your relationships? Sometimes a pervasive fear of commitment or ongoing pattern of self-doubt is a “you” issue. When you’re able to acknowledge a clear pattern, you can begin to do the inner work needed to feel more certain and improve your relationship. 

2. Listen to your feelings and needs:  One of the best ways to overcome doubt in a relationship starts with getting clear and connected with yourself. It’s important to take the time to understand what you want in the relationship. Your feelings about the relationship provide clues about what significant needs might be continuously unmet. You may feel annoyed and have needs for respect and consideration that are not being met. Maybe you feel confused and need clarity or a shared reality. You may feel worried and are needing some reassurance or commitment. You could be feeling sad or hurt and need to matter. 

3. Communicate bravely:  Once you’ve identified what’s not working in your relationship, it’s important to bring up your needs and concerns with your partner. For example, if you’re wondering whether your partner can meet your need for emotional connection because they mostly talk about themselves or don’t engage you in conversation, you can share your need to be connected followed by a request. You could ask if they’d be willing to regularly check-in and ask about your day. 

4. Assess your needs being met: After you’ve openly and honestly shared your feelings, concerns, needs and made requests, you can better assess whether your partner is able or willing to meet your important needs in the relationship. If you’ve asked that they follow through on plans because you need reliability, yet they continue to repeatedly cancel or change their plans without notice, they’ve shown you they’re unable or unwilling to meet your needs. If your partner is now making a concerted effort to put down their phone and listen to you when you’re talking because you’ve made a request to be heard, this can show their willingness to hear your requests and take actions to meet your needs. When you’re more clear about what your needs are and whether or not they can be met, it’s easier to make empowered choices to end or stay in the relationship. 

5. Seek support: It’s hard to make big life decisions on your own. It can be very helpful to seek outside support to talk through your relationship doubts with someone you trust. Talking to a close friend, family member or therapy can help you gain perspective. 

How does doubt ruin relationships (or does doubt ruin relationships)?

While experiencing some level of doubt and uncertainty is normal, chronic doubt can have a negative impact on your relationship.  It can lead to more tension, uneasiness, and mistrust.  When doubt is consuming, it can reduce both partners’ happiness. When you’re ruminating on what’s not working or on your partner’s shortcomings, it can be hard to see the positives or invest fully in the relationship. Over time, this can reduce relationship satisfaction and potentially lead to a breakup. 

Can a relationship survive doubts?

A relationship can survive a healthy amount of doubt if fears and concerns are discussed in a safe and honest way. First, it’s crucial to acknowledge what is causing the uncertainty — is it more to do with you and your personal insecurities or are they genuine concerns with the relationship itself? 

It’s also possible you just need more time to get to know your partner better or reflect more deeply on what you really need in a relationship and whether this person’s values align with yours. 

Should you end a relationship if you have doubts?

Whether or not to end a relationship is a very personal – and difficult – choice to make. 

When your doubts are related to your needs for safety and respect, it’s especially important to seek outside support in evaluating whether staying in the relationship is healthy for you. If your partner shows repeated patterns of dishonesty, disrespect, or betrayal, these can be warning signs of an unhealthy relationship. Doubts about your partner’s controlling behavior, consistent criticism, or emotional threats are also valid and shouldn’t be ignored in order to protect your well-being. 

Questions and doubts you may have about your future goals and plans that don’t match also shouldn’t be ignored or explained away. For example, if your partner doesn’t want to have kids and you do, this is an important consideration and a valid reason to end a relationship. 

Should you marry someone if you have doubts?

If you’re having considerable doubts about marrying someone, it’s a good idea to seek outside help and support before taking this important next step. Engagement can provoke understandable feelings of anxiety and it can be helpful to discern what’s a normal stress response to a big life change and what are red flags that shouldn’t be ignored moving forward. Listening to your intuition as well as talking with trusted people in your life, or a therapist, can help you get clear on what actions will be most aligned with the life you want to have.