You’re a grown-up with your own home, job, and maybe some kids but your parents are still trying to control most aspects of your life and guide your decisions? This can be a very frustrating experience. You can set healthy boundaries with a controlling parent to protect your needs — without ruining your relationship.
Signs you have a controlling parent:
You are repeatedly offered unsolicited advice and suggestions
Your life choices are criticized or diminished
Your parent gets visibly upset or angry when you disagree
Your privacy, autonomy, and freedom are not respected
Here are 3 ways to deal with a controlling parent:
1. Get clear on your needs: When feelings come up like anger, resentful, or annoyance, they usually point to our important needs or values that are not being met. When a parent is being controlling, it can be helpful to get clear on why you’re triggered. You may be frustrated because you value your freedom and autonomy. You might feel irritated because you value being heard and understood. Or maybe you’re angry because you value respect and consideration. When you’re clear what needs are not being meet when a parent is being controlling, you can take steps to fiercely protect your well-being.
2. Make specific requests: Once you’re clear on what needs are not being met, it can be empowering to speak your truth in order to protect your needs for autonomy and freedom by addressing the controlling behaviors directly. Without blaming, you can share your feelings and make a powerful request for what specifically you want to see happen instead. For example, you could ask your parent, “Would you be willing to only give me advice when I ask for it?”
3. Set empowered boundaries: When you’ve made specific requests and your parent is repeatedly unable or unwilling to do what you’ve asked to meet your needs, it’s time to set empowered boundaries. This makes clear what you will and won’t tolerate to protect your needs for peace, respect and well-being. You might say, “I’m not willing to tolerate unsolicited advice any longer.” To reinforce your boundary, you can choose to give a warning or simply leave the conversation - like hanging up the phone or walking away - when you’re being given unsolicited advice.