What is Self-Compassion? How to Change the Way You Talk to Yourself in Moments of Pain
We all have an inner voice—sometimes it’s gentle and encouraging, but often, especially during moments of pain, it can be harsh and critical. This self-criticism may come from deep-rooted experiences in childhood and show up in your day-to-day life as doubt, guilt, or the relentless feeling that you’re not enough.
Over time, these patterns of self-talk can erode your self-worth, color your mood, and skew your outlook on life.
Where Does Self-Criticism Come From?
Many of us grew up in environments where perfectionism, achievement, or people-pleasing were emphasized. Maybe you were taught that love and approval had to be earned by doing things "right," or you were criticized when you made mistakes. Over time, this external voice can become internalized, evolving into self-criticism that manifests in various ways. You might notice it when you mess up at work, feel inadequate in relationships, or simply don’t live up to your own high standards. The constant loop of negative self-talk might sound like:
“I’m not good enough,”
“I keep messing things up,”
“I should be better by now.”
This inner dialogue keeps you trapped in cycles of guilt, shame, and doubt, lowering your self-worth and leaving you feeling defeated.
How Self-Criticism Affects Your Life
Self-criticism doesn’t just affect your sense of worth—it permeates every aspect of life. It can darken your mood, lower your resilience, and make it difficult to enjoy life fully. The harsher you are with yourself, the harder it becomes to grow, adapt, or take healthy risks. Criticism adds weight to challenges and can leave you feeling stuck, defensive, or defeated before you even begin.
Grow your Self-Compassion
So, how can you break free from this cycle? Self-compassion, as taught by great spiritual leaders like Tara Brach, Pema Chödrön, and Ram Dass, offers a new path. It’s the practice of relating to yourself with kindness, especially in moments of suffering. It’s acknowledging that pain, imperfection, and mistakes are part of being human—and that these don’t diminish your worth.
Instead of criticizing yourself when you fall short, self-compassion invites you to show yourself the same care and understanding you would offer to a friend. It’s about replacing harsh judgments with gentleness, understanding, and patience.
Here are three ways to shift from self-criticism to self-compassion:
1. Recognize the Shared Human Experience (Tara Brach’s RAIN)
One of the first steps in self-compassion is realizing that suffering is a universal experience. Tara Brach teaches the practice of RAIN: Recognize, Allow, Investigate, and Nurture. When you feel overwhelmed by self-criticism, recognize the pain, allow it to be there without judgment, investigate with curiosity where it's coming from, and nurture yourself with kindness.
For example, when you catch yourself thinking, “I’m a failure,” pause and recognize that thought. Instead of pushing it away, allow the feeling to exist. Investigate gently—ask yourself, “Where did this thought come from? Why am I so hard on myself?” Then, nurture yourself by offering kind words like, “It’s okay to make mistakes. Everyone feels this way sometimes.”
By recognizing that you are not alone in your suffering, you dissolve the feeling of isolation, and this awareness can begin to soften the inner critic.
2. Give Yourself Permission to Be Imperfect (Pema Chödrön’s Loving-Kindness)
Pema Chödrön’s teachings on loving-kindness offer another way to shift the tone of your inner dialogue. She emphasizes the importance of embracing imperfection, recognizing that no one is ever fully “put together” or flawless.
When self-criticism creeps in, Pema suggests cultivating Maitri—the unconditional friendship with yourself. Practice phrases of loving-kindness, such as:
“May I be happy,”
“May I be peaceful,”
“May I accept myself just as I am.”
When you feel like you’re not enough, breathe in kindness. Tell yourself it’s okay to be imperfect and remind yourself of the inherent worth you have simply because you exist. As Pema says, “The most fundamental aggression to ourselves is to remain ignorant by not having the courage and respect to look at ourselves honestly and gently.”
3. See Yourself with Gentle Awareness (Ram Dass’s Mindful Acceptance)
Ram Dass reminds us that self-compassion comes from the ability to view ourselves with gentle awareness. It’s not about fixing or changing ourselves but learning to sit with our flaws and discomfort without judgment. When we approach ourselves with mindful acceptance, we can hold space for the parts of us that hurt, without trying to push them away or rush them through healing.
When you catch yourself in a spiral of self-criticism, practice mindful acceptance. Notice your feelings without labeling them as “good” or “bad.” You might say to yourself, “This is hard, but it’s okay. I’m doing my best.” This simple acknowledgment creates space for compassion, inviting you to be present with your pain in a softer, more loving way.
In Conclusion
Self-compassion is a powerful antidote to self-criticism. It transforms your relationship with yourself by replacing harshness with kindness, and isolation with connection. Through practices of mindfulness, self-acceptance, and loving-kindness, you can create a more nurturing inner dialogue that strengthens your sense of worth, uplifts your mood, and helps you navigate life with greater ease.
Remember, it’s not about being perfect—it’s about being human. So, next time you feel overwhelmed by your inner critic, pause and offer yourself the same compassion you would to a friend. In those moments, you are rewriting the story of your worth and, in doing so, transforming your life from the inside out. As Ram Dass reminds us, “You are loved just for being who you are, just for existing.”